


Skwisgaar likes things in his ass

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, M/M, Sex Toys, crack porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-01
Updated: 2010-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-16 20:58:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3502535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nearly plotless, mindless, bad crack porn.  But you know you like that.<br/>Warnings: Porn!!! With food stuffs, and inanimate objects, and...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skwisgaar likes things in his ass

Skwisgaar was excited. Tonight was the night when he would finally have sex with Toki, they’d made the date six months ago. Skwisgaar had used all the time to practice and prepare for the big night. 

~Six months ago~

If they were finally (eventually) going to have sex, he needed to practice. Skwisgaar knew he would be on the bottom, they’d discussed all that in ridiculous detail.  
Carrots and celery were the first things he’d used, they were (or could be cut to) taper nicely making insertion a breeze. Well, there wasn’t an actual breeze unless he farted... who made up these figures of speech anyway?  
Sometimes he left the leafy top on a carrot and wore it like a tail, hopping around his room like a huge retarded bunny.

From those he’d graduated to larger garden produce including but not limited to cucumbers, zucchinis, and similarly shaped veggies. Shoving random dinner items up his ass repeatedly had led him to the shocking realization that he enjoyed it immensely.  
Why oh why had Toki picked such a distant date? He wanted to throw him down, strip him naked, and ride off into the sunset RIGHT NOW.  
Lacking Toki’s cock, Skwisgaar wandered off in search of other things to ‘practice’ with.

That was only the first week. By week two he had lost interest in veggies and moved on to larger or longer items. He was unsure of Toki’s dick size, so it was best to be prepared for anything. Skwisgaar tried a chair leg, but the angle was uncomfortable and he was afraid he’d get a splinter. He tried a metal chair leg, but that was too cold.  
Why couldn’t he just fuck Toki? That’s what he really wanted to do.

A trip to the food library had gotten him his latest prize. Whatever the hell a ‘summer sausage’ was, it was wonderful! The thing was close to three feet long, and so thick that his long fingers could barely close around it.  
The sausage kept him entertained for an entire month, after which point his room began to smell excessively of spoiling meat and ass. He sadly threw his prize out the window.  
A week later, it was still there, since the yard wolves refused to have anything at all to do with it. (Eventually it simply rotted away.)

He’s appealed to Toki, trying to seduce him into changing his mind. He’d crawled on the bed, waving his ass in the air like a cat in heat, but Toki wouldn’t take the bait. “If you really wants me, you will waits for me. Now move, you’s blocking the TV.”  
When Skwisgaar realized he was unconsciously scanning Toki’s room for things he could shove up his ass, he backed off. If he couldn’t have the cock he wanted, he’d go find something else.  
He’d become a giant butt slut, he just had to have something inside him as much as possible.

His experimentations got more and more bizarre as time passed, like the day he spent three hours stuck on his own bedroom doorknob. He’d worked it in okay, but getting back off it had proved tricky. He’d passed the time by masturbating furiously.  
He’d found a stray bowling pin in a closet, and it was now hidden under his bed. He rode the smaller end at least twice a day.  
The staff had long since stopped restocking his personal size lube bottle, and just left a vat of the stuff in his room. He was going to need more soon...

It was in the fifth month that he stole a roadside traffic cone, one of the bright orange ones. Soon it was his favorite place to sit, and he’d spend hours at a time impaled on it while watching TV or practicing his guitar. It seemed that every day he slid just a little lower, but he wasn’t worried. There was more cone than would ever fit inside him, he was in no danger of outgrowing his ‘chair’.  
But it was almost time to replace it with Toki’s cock.

Finally the big night was here, the night he’d waited six unbearably long months for. He’d hidden all his non-perishable fuck objects in the closet, and was waiting for Toki to come and give him what he wanted more than anything else.  
Skwisgaar lay naked on the bed with his hands trapped behind his head, trying to resist the almost overwhelming urge to stick something in him to make the waiting more bearable.  
At last, Toki was there.

Skwisgaar rolled to his knees. “Fucks me now!”  
“Well that’s not very romanticals.”  
“Be dat later, I wants you in me! I has waited soooo longs...”  
This wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind, but Toki stripped and climbed on the bed. “We gots to go slows, I don’t wants to hurts you.”  
“NO! God damnsit Toki, if you don’ts stick your dick in my RIGHT NOW I’s goings to goes de crazies! FUCKS ME!”

And so Toki did, trying to be careful until he quickly realized that there was absolutely no need, no need at all. “Skwisgaar, what the fucks you been doing?! I can probably puts my whole arm in heres!”  
That sounded pretty good to Skwisgaar, who was supremely disappointed that Toki wasn’t hung like a traffic cone. “Ja, does dat! Maybe uses both arms!”  
“Noes.” Toki pulled out and lay back, looking at his needy, slutty bandmate with confused disappointment. “Can’t really feels a thing anyways.”

Skwisgaar whined, he needed something in his ass, anything at all. He started to crawl up Toki’s leg to reconvince him, but stopped as he felt a toe brush his thigh. He’d never tried a foot, being unable to bend in a way to make it possible. Quickly he positioned him self and sat on it with a moan of pleasure.  
Toki stared at him in disbelief. “Your ass just eats my foot.” Skwisgaar’s balls were draped over his ankle like bizarre fashion accessories. Toki tried to move his leg, but he was trapped.

The movement drove Skwisgaar wilder, he started riding the foot. “Oh fucks Toki, wiggles yous toes for me some mores!”  
“Skwisgaar, gets the fucks off my foot!”  
“Oh I’s getting off on yous foot alrights! Ams so good, goings to stays here forevers...”  
Toki had a sudden vision of trying to walk around while wearing Skwisgaar as a huge and horny bedroom slipper. It wasn’t a particularly good vision.

Toki tried to kick him loose, but Skwisgaar really enjoyed that and hung on, clinging to Toki’s leg with both hands and then coming all over his shin. He made no move to get up from his perch though. But he had to do something, Toki wasn’t happy! So Skwisgaar leaned forward and started giving him head.  
Toki was quite disappointed overall with how the evening was gong. He should have known that Skwisgaar was too big of a slut to ever be anything else, so he might as well at least get a decent blowjob out of it.   
The intestinal foot massage was distracting though, and his other foot was getting cold now.

Skwisgaar sensed his discomfort. “Puts your feets togethers”  
Toki shifted his free foot, and Skwisgaar lifted himself up, pushing the feet together. Reaching over the side of the bed into his ever-handy lube bucket, he grabbed a handful and slapped it on Toki’s feet.  
It was really cold and Toki flinched, but Skwisgaar clung to his toes and kept his feet mostly still. Then he carefully sat on them, taking them both together, and resumed sucking Toki’s dick.  
Toki was rather disappointed overall, but at least both his feet were warm now.  
But what the hell had Skwisgaar been doing, to even be able to do a thing like this?!

Skwisgaar rode Toki’s feet like they were his own personal Disneyland, moaning his enjoyment around the cock stuffed halfway down his throat. They weren’t a traffic cone, but they wiggled and that more then made up for it.  
Toki was just trying to warm up to the idea of Skwisgaar-ass foot warmers as a more permanent thing. He could give a pretty decent blowjob, but enjoyable sex was way out of the question. He needed to just concentrate on the blowjob...

Once Toki came, Skwisgaar pulled himself off the feet with a horrible slurping sound. He went straight for his closet, he needed a toy.  
The bowling pin, that was a good one. He shoved the small side in but it didn’t want to stay. With a shrug, he turned it around and slid it home, prancing awkwardly around the room with a bowling pin ‘tail’.  
The pin slipped out and fell to the floor with a clatter. Skwisgaar gave it a betrayed look, and went right back to his closet.

His traffic cone, his beloved traffic cone. He pulled it out and sat down as Toki watched in horror. Well at least that explained everything, he was sitting on a motherfucking traffic cone.

****

Skwisgaar woke in his bed, alone. It was still dark.  
A dream, it had all been some huge long really fucked up dream. The sensations had followed him into the waking world though, he desperately wanted something in his ass.  
NOT a traffic cone, that was a really horrible idea. He was pretty sure passing construction sites was going to make him horny for some time to come, but there was nothing he could do about that.  
What could he use? Nothing huge...

But what he’d really wanted in the dream above all else was Toki. That was something he would normally consider it beneath him to ask for, but in his current needy state he decided that just had to try.  
Skwisgaar snuck into Toki’s room, stripped naked, and crawled into his bed. So close... he wanted him so very badly.  
He woke Toki up with a kiss, then put a finger to his lips before he could ask what the hell was going on. “Don’ts says noting, okays? I needs you to fucks me right now. I needs you inside me.”

_~ and then whatever you want to happen, happened ~_


End file.
